no seeds.: December 2006

its my last post of the year.

and i have nothing to say.

i hate being told what to do, how to behave and being spoken to like im an immature kid.

i am NOT a kid.

i know what to do.

i know the gravity of the situation.

you expect me to cover a mile in one jump when im tied to a spot.

don't give me the 'all parents care about their children' shit.

fuck that, i don't believe in it.

fucking bullshit.

i am NOT DISRESPECTFUL.

you just simply refuse to comprehend logic.

who was the one who reproached her brother for not being open-minded?

you are pretty much stubborn and closed all the same.

i should have never agreed to move in.

i know i've turned into an ungrateful sonofabitch.

but its been so fucking long since anyone showed me genuine gratitude that i've not bothered to show any either.

i miss freedom.

i miss having to bear full responsibility for my own actions.

i miss having NOTHING TO FALL BACK ON but myself.

i miss the danger

i miss the unpredictablity

i miss living hand-to-mouth.

i miss defying all odds.

i miss living on to SPITE YOU.

i miss witnessing the daily miracle that was my survival.

i miss standing on the promises of my King.

i miss the closeness to God that came with all that.

i hate being comfortable.

all i want is to be able to do anything i want and not have anyone shoot me down for any irresponsible mistake i make.

i know i have become irresponsible.

but whose fault is it?

with comfort comes irresponsibility.

i never asked for you to take me up as a responsibility.

i don't want to be answerable to you.

i don't want to be answerable to anyone but myself.

and you and you over there,

i know you hate me.

i don't know why, but fuck you both right back anyway.

can't be bothered with you either.

your impressions don't matter to me.

seriously, fuck off and go die.

what you think i should do doesn't matter to me unless i ask for it.

don't give me that 'OH YOU WILL KNOW WHEN YOU BECOME A PARENT CRAP'

seriously, when/if i become a parent, all i'll know

is that i was right all along.

i don't give a fuck anymore.

i'm fucking disgusted that i lied too.

fucking disgusted with myself for everything

fucking disgusted with myself for betraying the values i once held dear.

the more i try to go along with how the world expects me to behave, the more disillusioned i get.

everything i go through makes me realise that i am better off on my own.

fuck humans being social creatures.

i ain't human no more.

fuck all.

please don't let it be what i imagine it to be.

please let me be wrong this once.

-closes eyes and holds breath-

its awfully quiet now.

my life is like my mahjong game.

i greedily aim for a big win and end up squandering all my chances.

i'm so damn greedy. i don't deserve anything.

but i just keep deluding myself again and again and again.

i don't know why i'm saying all these.

WHY?

i think.

i really should be starting on my homework.

=/

i just dont know why i feel this way,

its that sense of emptiness within

the slight tugging at my heart.

the woozy vision.

the slight ache at the back of my brain.

any qualified medical personnel care to provide a diagnosis for these symptoms?

=/

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Christmas was spent in church servicing and back home sleeping and laosai-ing.

damn i hate having the shits.

had to wake up twice in the middle of the night to go.
(erm this has nothing to do with the lyrics which follow)

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

i never thought i would say this again so soon,

but with a different person in mind.

all I want for Christmas
is you.

ok just some random photos while i collate the bintan photos.

You ask,
I Love
You got
How Deep?
My love
how many maaarkkss?

the damn steamboat in the atrium which left gavin indisposed and transformed tianann
into a merlion

my fetish: tammy's white hair

the flower of jorge and I.

the reason why this page took so long to load.

this pic takes up a lot of space.

shan't say anymore

sumos in specs

ms OR and the big pussy.

AAAAAND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!

Guess whose birthday is it?

hint: GREEEEEEN PEAS!

chinggchinggkaaCHING's!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHING!!

hope this makes up for all the disappointment!

:-9

Sakura with the family yesterday night.

when i saw the oysters i went "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

grabbed a mountain.

when i came home i went "WAAAAHHHHHHH............."

laosaied a river.

the oysters werent all that fresh after all.

oh yeah one more thing.

one more day to BINTAN!

happyhappyhappy! (X

moneyflyaway... ):

my posts are getting more and more incoherent. damn.

take a few minutes to check this out.

rach's band's new song titled: A Twist of Fate.

it sounds a lil raw in the intro.

but you will be rewarded for listening on. its good.

and you should know that im not easily impressed. THATS HOW GOOD IT BLOODY IS.

lav convinced me to stay back yesterday.

MAN, T109 SURE CAN BITCH!

although the bitching ain't half as exciting as the bitching in secondary school, its reassuring that this class is not as nice as i feared.

socpsy found me to be the most dysfunctional person in the class.
woohoo! GUAI LAN ALL THE WAY!

mr. sharpe detested my essay outline. i said it before, i say it again:

I HATE EXPOSITORY/ARGUMENTATIVE

like how the fuck am i supposed to tell the difference between the two?

ok fine i do know how to tell the difference.

but

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy tell me why can't we keep writing narratives all our lives!!?? )))):

proceeded to go drinking with roy, ty and ching by ty's poolside.

were joined by a bunch of dudes. one of them was this guy called edwin, my father's student. he shares the same birthdate as ching! my father tried to bar him from his exams because of poor attendance, like 10%. hahaha. he described my father as someone you could talk to, but would backstab you when you least expect it.

how come i'm not surprised or offended?

GAWD, after last night, seeing SUPER-WASTED KIDS, i reaffirmed my conviction that kids should have their tolerance to alcohol trained up from young!

it sucks to watch helplessly as someone tears herself apart for nothing at all.

it sucks more because she's just like a sister to you.

you don't even know if all this misery is worth the joy she will experience later.

its like watching a team you have extreme faith in play a soccer match winning the finals but losing all the star players to injuries.

is it worth it?

damn.

oh and normally, after i see and smell puke, its likely that the contents of my stomach would leap out to join its compatriots on the floor.

its been like that since my lil sis puked down my bare back as a baby when i was carrying her.

after last night, i have officially overcome my phobia of vomit.

:)

met distant aunt at funeral 2 nights ago.

she wants to mediate a reconciliation between me and my parents.

wait till she finds out how my mother views her and people from EVIL churches like hers.

she won't be liking my mother much anymore.

heh.

its 8.30 in the morning. grandma and aunt have just left the house to go for the cremation of grandaunt. my uncle is giving them a lift and they are gonna pick my mother up along the way.

i start on my essap outline. phone rings. know its definitely for them. and since they have left, i let it ring on. the fucker keeps calling. 4th call. im bloody sick of it. i pick it up. its my mother.

Me: (in grumpy tone) hello?

Mother: Teck Kuan (my uncle) ?

Me: No. Hong En.

Mother: Wai por leh?

Me: Went down already. (puts down phone without waiting for reply)

first conversation in about 8 months.

who says im unwilling to talk to my mother?

:D

i've been hearing plenty of rave reviews about this movie.

due to many recent happenings between friends of mine.

and friends of mine and their....... umm... former friends.

i present to you how i wasted my day other than frantically researching for my essay assignment.

ITS OFFICIAL!

Ranger Cheak pronounces it FALLOUT SEASON!

now you know why i got a "D" for Graph Comm.

my maternal grandad's fourth sister passed away last night.

i used to visit her every chinese new year.

she was infamous for her incessant yakking on the phone.

but now the world seems rather disarmingly quiet without her.

its too late to regret passing the phone on to someone else hurriedly everytime she called.

its too late to regret not listening to her for just a few minutes more.

its horrible to wonder if she died, not having said everything that she needed to say.

its horrible to remember that she told me to visit her just a month ago.

its worse to realise that i forgot about it

its much worse to realise that i had forgone my very last chance to see her alive.

she was kinda lonely

you couldn't blame her for complaining

she always reminded me to keep the faith.

that is one last wish of hers that i would strive to keep.

rest in peace, si gor po .....

till we meet again at His feet,

Farewell for now.

ok new video by cousin-in-law. Spiderman's disciple in singapore.

and more photos courtesy of jaryl

The TPO (two-people-only) gang.

BRING ON THE PARANGS!

aand we will stick em up your sorry arses!

S75 AT PROM! WOOOO!

i really should be starting on my paragraphs dammit.

it doesnt help that im sitting in the living room with the tv on.

and with internet access.

am beginning to be too damn lazy to type.

hongkong cafe with jacqjacq.

the damn bill. we ordered too much.

36 damn buckaroos.

yeah as you can see, jacq gorging herself.

jacq tries her hand at using leftover food to make a new dish.

what you see is a hollowed out egg tart with towgay inside and half a pork dumpling in it, garnished with a sprig of parsley.

close-up of the revolting construction.

apprehension.

guess who has to eat it?

me. doh.

when all your bets don't pay off and leave you struggling
you wouldn't even bother with free lucky draws along the way.

okaaaaay here we go: PROM PICS!

pardon me. very very very jumbled up. in no particular order, whether chronological, alphabetical or what-not.

one more warning: i look awfully fat.