COLORGENICS


At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).

You are a leader and possibly at this tine in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.





three letters: WOW.


other than the first 2 paragraphs, its like they sent spies from their research labs to tail me or something.



maybe colourgenics could work better for you.



but it only goes to show. no matter how much i show to the world, no one, using whatever theories available, can ever fully understand me.



no one.

since i managed to wake up rather early this morning, i decided to go to church. after 2.60982340587238947520938475 months away from God, i sat down amongst the congregation and got a one-on-one reprimanding from God himself.


never had a sermon that came at such an appropriate time before. the title says it all: Fairness in an unfair world.


i learnt why God seemingly doesn't give me what i think i deserve.


because if he did give me what i deserve,


i would probably be burning in the hottest portion of Hell right now.



who am i to question God's plans for me?


who indeed.



the rest of the sermon was a blur. i couldn't believe how dumb i was not to have realised this.



but now i do realise.........that radio report is due tml. a 500 word essay.


the bad news?


i haven't started


oh dear me.....



OH! caryn is so cute! hahaha... HONG EN JIUJIU ROCKS MEIMEI'S WORLD! hahah...she tried to trade me 2 of her unused diapers for my chendol. lol

i have a new love: my phone's in-built camera!


i know its not much worth hollering about, but it took some great photos last night.




ENTER THE GATE OF DOOM

-evil laughter-

it wasnt even on night mode!


and i purposely shook my hand to give it the dizzying effect. this bears proof of my photography skills!








my camera even made the unglam settings look rather glam! witness the prowess of 2 megapixels + autofocus. heh.


note that i seldom blog about my day. thats mostly cos my day isnt worth mentioning. my life would make a very boring movie.

im really pissed right now.


well done cheak, well done...


you are so fucking dumb that you spilt a scalding bowl of soup all over yourself while attempting to eat while watching tv. well done. and what's worse? YOU'VE DIRTIED GRANDMA'S BEST SOFA COVERS!


you deserve an Nobel prize for "World's Clumsiest Oaf"


NOW GO STRAIGHT TO THE BATHROOM AND TRY TO GET THOSE CORN BITS OUT OF YOUR BELLY BUTTON!



IAUHFLIUWHFILAUHFIUAHVBILEH!!


the 100 days in FMS thingamajig can be summarised into the following: Paying 6 bucks to climb a hill in the dark, attend a pasar malam, eat economical beehoon and watch getai performances.


well done again cheak. joining fmss was the best decision you've ever made.


hurrrrrr...my belly has gone all red. well at least that got me to go take a shower.

i admit it: i am one proudass perfectionist sonofabitch.


so it really really really really really really really really really really SUCKS to find out that something i have taken pride in has been flawed all along.

started off with my character judgement. started off this year. i thought she was harmless, turns out quite the opposite.


i hate myself for being wrong. i can't take being wrong. because people come to me for advice in character judgement BECAUSE i am seldom wrong. so if my clean sheet is stained, it lowers my value to almost naught.


then next, while doing a writt comm project, i realise that some sentences which i have used in the past decade of essay writing have been grammatically WRONG!

why does it suck?BECAUSE I TOOK PRIDE IN WRITING ESSAYS THAT PEOPLE 'ADMIRED'. i took pride in saying that the subject i sucked the least in was english. i took pride that my compositions were the things that pushed my english grades up. i took pride that people came to consult me for aid in english-related stuff because i could write.

and now? i find out that i have been inserting grammatically-incorrect sentences into my essays. essays that were marked 'excellent' and 'interesting' by now-seemingly-useless teachers. essays that were circulated around school for my schoolmates to 'oooh' and 'aaahh' over.
it sucks to find out that these essays contained flaws which were not spotted, left uncorrected and shown to the world in their full, shameful wholeness while being labelled as 'model essays'.


baahh!

it really sucks when things you have taken pride in doing turn out to be not so marvelous at all.






I HATE YOU, COMMA SPLICE!! ARGH!





somebody stab me, please.




im getting really bored at home. anyone wanna go check out vivocity with me later?



i guess not. =/

ermm

any medical experts here?

can anyone tell me why i have broken wind (in rather large volumes) at least 6 times in the past one hour?

yoohoo...


presenting my favorite two-year old
in the whole wide world, her brother (right) and her cousin (left)!



CARYN TURNS TWOOOO!!!



okaaaay here are a couple more photos for fans of my cute lil niece.





















teeheehee. im a very proud uncle. stayed over at cousin's place. played golf at 2 driving ranges. my first time. im left with blisters on my hands and an aching back. interesting new game. but waaaaaaaaay too expensive for me.


and i can't be bothered with all the insults anymore. i personally don't think im childish at all, (maybe very weird but definitely not childish). oh well. can't be helped. sick and tired of answering little kids who only sulk and whine, "YEWW DEN CHOW-DISH. HUMPHH!"


i leave you with my 2 nephews dancing like Hard Gay.

if you ask me, editing blog posts to something altogether different and deleting tags which you simply can't answer back to is just so fucking JUVENILE.


seriously, get a life. you can't take back what you say, or what others say. deleting tags which you can't reply to is just the most shameful way of admitting that you have nothing to say in retort. talk about running away from problems.


simply put, stop trying to act the peacemaker by so-called "avoiding conflict" when you are the one who started the war in the first place. so fucking JUVENILE.


not gonna bother to re-post the tags lest i be labelled childish and silly again.


ironic how most of those who have a problem (or more than one) with me are those who zealously refer to themselves as christians. they should read the Bible all over again and highlight the portion about specks, logs and eyes.



Let him who has no sin cast the first stone.

it wasn't what she told me that got me surprised (i kinda figured everything out on my own).


it was the interesting tone she took with me. very different from the hostile and exasperated tone i have grown so used to. but maybe someone has been reading up on writ comm. heh. ok this is dumb. im turning into quite a gambler these few days. and it doesnt help that my luck has an increasingly negative gradient.




i know very well that i can do much better than you. But thats not the point.

ohh daymn. guess what? the LOVE-MAKER has like totally changed her oct 19th post. daymn there goes the good advice. just when i was preparing to laugh at my silly self.

heh.


oh well..... -shrugs-



and just because she has deleted her post, doesn't mean i will follow suit. sorry but i don't take back what i say. thats just so unglam.



oopsie, the adium icon is jumping. annoying....lets see...







omigosh! mona?






this should be interesting. gimme a moment.

-sighs- looks like somebody has a problem with yours truly again. oh wells, i guess im forced to retort.


for your reference or erm reading PLEASURE. here's the rather ummm...INDIRECT portion.



Dear C***K, I read your blog and why did you insult us three so many times in your past entries? For doing nothing wrong, THANKS AYE. Arghghgh, what would make you see the LIGHT that it's so much better to make love, not war? Wouldn't everything be so much BETTER if we all smile and be friends again? Don't let a misunderstanding RUIN THREE FRIENDSHIPS. I mean, it's so SILLY, you should sit down and analyse everything, and have a good laugh at your silly self.
Up to this point, I still daresay that we didn't do anything wrong



looks like enlightenment should be on my to-do-list. well, my dear fellow mass-commer (hint where to find the blog), i am deeply saddened that you fail to read my blog thoroughly enough. i didnt exactly insult YOU, but thats not the point.

to start off, i was disappointed in both of you (as well as some others), not for WHAT you did, but PRECISELY for what you DID NOT do, i.e. tell me that (putting it nicely) i was not the only guy in her life. im disappointed that you did not do anything, folded your arms and watched from the side as i was played for a fool. and all you did in the end is claim that it was all a big MISUNDERSTANDING.


i have been waiting since three months ago for an EXPLICIT clarification on the alleged MISUNDERSTANDING that you claim i entertain. to date, i have recieved NONE, KOSONG, ZILCH. so i will continue thinking this way because no one has been able to clarify what i have misunderstood. in other words, i do not understand what exactly i have misunderstood! oh great gurus of love, pray do ENLIGHTEN me! (that is, if you have time to spare from MAKING LOVE.)


oh my, am i being silly for demanding an explanation? mymymy. that really is SILLY.

"Wouldn't everything be so much BETTER if we all smile and be friends again", well, that would indeed be nice. but for a start, it would be nice if all of you stop giving me those dirty looks in school, they really are rather pathetic, i hate to point out.

i won't even bother retorting to her previous post, since it wasn't explicitly aimed at me. but i leave you to gauge whether she is really not as SILLY as me, or just plainly a rather juvenile, rather sadistic feminist who is not mature enough to think from the viewpoint of others or even think straight. you be the judge.


i leave you with my reply to her post in my usual verbatim style. its in her comment box at the end of the post.


lets be fair here.you ask a question, i answer it. im really sorry that you took that as an insult. to clarify, it wasn't directed at you. and why i "insult us three so many times in your past entries", well, its because i have been patiently waiting and checking both your blogs for clarification on the alleged MISUNDERSTANDING that i apparently have had. i still have yet to recieve one, and as you can tell, am getting rather impatient. hence the "insults". alright, i have done my bit. now, as i have asked countless times on end, could you please clarify what i have misunderstood? i am eager to find out. very eager.
C***K | Homepage | 10.20.06 - 10:45 pm | #


can't talk more, i have to set some time out to LAUGH AT MY SILLY SELF. cheerios.

first day of school. i learnt something new today. it wasnt a question of allegiance. it was an issue of shared values (or lack thereof).


some people just have no qualms about ditching one party for another within a short space of time. well done girls!


and the good news, IM TOTALLY NUMB! cry baby cry, i wouldnt feel a tinge of concern, not even as a friend.


definitely looking forward to this sem. some of these lecturers may not seem very likeable, but im goddamn sure that not only do they know their stuff, they sure as hell can teach as well.


got the new phone, gonna ditch the old one tml. phones dont have feelings or egos now, do they?


heh.

someone is extremely elated to be turning seventeen.










































yeah i guess you can tell from the photo.
happy birthday smeagol aka potatoman!



school starts tml. mixed feelings.

i was so bored yesterday that i did what some people do when they are bored: i googled my full name.


so i typed in "cheak+hong+ian"


hit the 'enter' key.


know how google loves to act smart and try to correct your spelling mistakes by asking you if you meant something else?


well it decided that i had misspelt my surname. how amazingly intelligent.



this is what i saw first




no, thank you google, but i didn't mean CHEAP+hong+ian.


daymn even google thinks im cheap. it even put the word 'cheap' in fucking bold.


if any of my sec school and jc classmates were to see this, they would probably be nodding knowingly and laughing their arses off. (esp dawn)


past few days have been spent trying to reverse my body clock back to school-going time. not very successful. i try to wake up an hour earlier everyday. today i woke at eleven........but went back to sleep till eleven thirty, so that didn't exactly count.


past few days have also been spent logging onto Mel every now and then like a rabid dog to check if the new modules have been uploaded. finally they were this morning.


proceeded to download the files like a rabid dog.


yay school is starting....i can barely contain my excitement. its written all over my face.


can't tell? bah.....

oh yeah by the way,

cheakie is on skype!

finally found a free substitute for ichat.

add me with my username: cheakie or at morfaty@yahoo.com.sg

i wont guarantee i will be in the mood to talk to you, but heh. my contact list is rather empty.

ok this is the REAL reason why i quit my fucking job. the biggest of all reasons.


i don't know if i got this idea from the book "who took my cheese?" but yeah. here goes.


after a long day at work, especially if we work past 1.30am, we would cab home. but before that, if we weren't gonna work in the morning later, we would sit outside the marina square 7-11 and just chat. both the captains and the waiters and waitresses would be there till the wee hours of the morning. (i know the font has changed but have already given up trying to change it back.)


so yeah we would just sit there and talk about stuff. gossip aplenty, but mainly things about work. yeah. some of the waitresses would ask stuff about how to improve themselves as VIP servers and stuff. the captains would explain their choices of service partners like it was some grand battle strategy. and the differences in capabilities of senior waiters and junior waiters.


it struck me (amidst the cloud of cigarette smoke) the rather disturbing thought that these people were actually SERIOUS about this job!


i mean, come on. to me, this job was about 3 things.

1. the physical work to kinda keep me from getting horribly obese.
2. keeping myself occupied during the holidays
3. earning myself a little pocket money so as not to put uneccessary financial burden on my aunt.


but what kinda freaked me out was that the people, especially the captains, viewed this job as a way to earn money to feed themselves and possibly their families! and took things like being able to deliver fast and efficient service (despite having 2 tables to serve) as a laurel-worthy achievement.


they view it as a CAREER!?


o,O


pardon me saying this, but you work from noon to about 3am almost everyday, earn about 1.2k a month. you call that a career? my god you are better off squatting in a corner in chinatown making ropes out of hemp.


and because of this job, you have absolutely NO LIFE AT ALL other than the occcasional bowling session, some drinking at a pub in marina south, occasional trips to the beach, and the smoking-cum-eating-instant-noodles-cum-smoking-
cum-drinking-soy-milk-cum-drinking-tiger-beer-cum-smoking sessions outside 7-11 after a long night's work.


and you spend so much on fags, alcohol and petrol for your bikes that you are broke by the third week of the month.


i don't know about you, but that doesn't seem like much of a career to me. some of the captains are like 26 and look like they are approaching 42.


as i slowly see some of the senior waiters going on to be full-time captains, i think to myself, is that what i want to be? these people did go to school (didnt do too well in it), went in and out of jail, have tattoos all over, get into drunken fights at every dinner-and-dance the hotel organises, blah-blah...they splurge lavishly on booze, fags, and cab fares but dress (excuse me) like fucking ah bengs.


what scares me is that even the girls seem so serious about their job (which can be summed up as folding napkins, laying tablecloths, setting tables and wearing a cheongsam with a very very high slit serving drunk, plump fathers and uncles of newlywed couples). o,O


is earning $5.50-$6.50 per hour doing all that worth it? i don't get it.


so i decided to leave before i could get sucked further into the banqueting line. simply because i couldnt see much of a future in it. many singaporeans work for the money. just the money. i think thats fucking dumb. if your passion is all the above, well, good for you, but i dont see you going very far. its strange, but i cant think along the same frequency as these people.


i mean, even the chinaman dishwasher says he loves his job!


O,O


was really dumbfounded when he said that.



well , i guess its better to leave this hunk of cheap cheddar and go in search of some rich blue cheese.















and i just realised the font changed back on its own. tsk fucking annoying blogger.

when i got this blog, i put in this really interesting shit called statcounter. it sits right at the bottom of the page. if you actually click on the text "Visitors since September 11th 06", you can see a breakdown of the visitors of this blog. kinda weird that people read this shit anyway, but check out the weirdass places they read it from.


S010600112fe2a616.vc.shawcable.net (Shaw Communications Inc)

British Columbia, Surrey, Canada, 0 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
8th October 2006 00:56:43 no seeds.
precasmusic.blogspot.com/


canada? omg the seedless punani has travelled halfway across the globe.



(Adam Internet Pty Ltd)

Nairobi Area, Nairobi, Kenya, 4 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
8th October 2006 21:43:39 no seeds.
www.roses--.blogspot.com/


KENYA? and linked from ms OR's blog too? some african uncle of hers who happened to like bbq-ed wings. hmmm


bb220-255-232-188.singnet.com.sg (Singnet Pte Ltd)

Chiang Mai, Chiang Mai, Thailand, 0 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
9th October 2006 22:56:03 no seeds.
No referring link


THAILAND? some bored monk looking for dirty fun on the temple desktop but found a......... different sort of dirty by mistake.


bb219-74-52-123.singnet.com.sg (Singnet Pte Ltd)

Sindh, Karachi, Pakistan, 13 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
9th October 2006 17:54:54 no seeds.
No referring link


pakistan? i strongly suspect this has something to do with the netball captain.



(Equinix Asia Pacific Pte Ltd)

Singapore, Singapore, Singapore, 0 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
9th October 2006 09:15:59 no seeds.
No referring link
10th October 2006 10:53:42 no seeds.
No referring link
10th October 2006 12:15:59 no seeds.
No referring link


finally something less unusual. some joker slacking off at work i suppose. weird fella, reading my blog the minute he got to work on both days. nine and ten in the morning. must be really boring over there.



anyhow thats about all. had some from malaysia, genting in particular. but i guess i knew who that was so nevermind.



maybe some jokers in bangladesh might view pu-na-ni.blogspot.com next? o,O

alright time to blog about yesterday. didnt wanna fucking work in the first place but elizabeth made me. so i did. and guess what? she gave me fricking harbour terrace man. fucking shit i was doing heavy duty work with only one other guy in the fucking sun with the fucking haze making it tough to fucking breathe. and the worst part was that the in-charge was fucking cheeboon. cheeboon is a fuckdick. cant stand him.

anyway after labouring under the hot sun for so long and feeling all giddy and stuff, went back into the hotel to get some stuff. fucking cheeboon fucked us for taking a long time. couldnt blame us. the fucking flowers were damn heavy and the other guy couldnt carry much so we used trolleys. and he said we were wasting his time, accused us of slacking off. that fucking pissed me off. so i started throwing stacks of chairs around when transporting them up from the 4th floor to speed up. a stack toppled and knocked into a fire extinguisher. happened to meet some fucker from the engineering dept in the lift. hakim or some shit, a botak old man. fucker ever scolded me for leaving bath towels behind in the locker room. so even after he scolded for the houseman for putting the chairs down hard in the lift, i continued and was even rougher, just to spite him. fucker called his boss, singh, down who dragged me down to security. claimed i was rude and damaging hotel property. all i did was ignore the bald fucker and say that i was doing my job. the bald fuck expects me to RESPECT him because he is a full-timer.

the security manager was very nice and all, decent guy who looked pretty loaded down with work as it was. took my statement and everything, then called up my boss ricky who personally came to pull me out of shit. ricky didnt even give me a scolding, just spoke rationally to me and told me that singh and hakim were gunning to have me fired. i told him my story, he said he would give cheeboon a scolding and it wouldnt be light. he even wanted to get cheeboon to apologise to me. but he just wanted me to apologise to the two fucking mechanics to try defuse the situation. i flat out refused. packed my locker, gave it away and left immeadiately.


pissed at 3 parties:

cheeboon- i just hate his style of working. always setting stupid time limits. expecting us to work under unclear instructions which end up in us having to redo stuff. laughing off his own mistakes and fucking us for ours. that mothafuckingsonofabitch still accused me of slacking off when i was working my ass off already. i may be a bit blur, but i DO NOT SKIVE.

singh- he was just being the stuck-up head of the mechanics that he was. just a plain fucker.

i shall save my fury for the most arrogant fucker i have ever met:

hakim- you mothafuckingsonofabaldsluttybitch go fuck yourself in the ass with a spanner. the title of 'engineering' doesnt suit your department. more like fucking mechanics. think just cause you are a full-timer gives you the right to walk around with your snotty nose in the fucking air acting like a general manager? stop it with your "i am a full-timer, you are a part-timer and you should respect me". fuck respect. i dont see why i should respect a 50-something year old mechanic? so what if im a part-time waiter? you are just a FULL-TIME HANDYMAN. repairing things that spoil. how much do you fucking earn? at most 1.5K a month? is that anything worth being so high-and-mighty about? bloody condescending fuckface if i work at my PART-TIME job everyday i would probably earn the same amount as you. only dissed me to save your face cos many people were watching. i try to do things fast in the service elevator especially when there are people in the lift waiting because i HATE IT when poeple take their fricking time getting on and off the lift, wasting my time. i believe that no one should act like the whole world revolves around them, and you sure are acting like your bald head is the centre of the universe. fuck you.
and please stop being such a timid pussy. after you referred me to your boss you didnt even dare to look at me in the eye despite feeling my piercing glare. acting all "im the poor bullied innocent party". fucking useless faggot. you tried to get me fired, so im not working in ORSIN anymore. why? not cause of guilt. nor was i fired. i QUIT because I'D RATHER LEAVE MY PART-TIME JOB than APOLOGISE to a PROUD MECHANIC, full-time or not. bitch, i dont need this job. its just part-time after all.
but you DO need your full-time job because you probably still have that baldsluttybitch of a mother to buy dentures and nasi padang for. i dont lose much. but i really would have loved to get into a fight with you. then in the end, it would be you who lost out. you would LOSE THE FULL-TIME JOB YOU WERE SO PROUD OF. bitch

i quit my job for a variety of factors. almost every decision i make is due to more than just a couple of lame reasons.

1. i worked for damn long yet havent got a pay raise.
2. i cant stand it if i get scolded for doing my job at my utmost best. its not worth the measly pay.
3. i quit at the point where i had quite a lot of working slots which required staff. so yeah. teach them to ill-treat staff
4. i quit because i needed to take time off next week to relax before school began. since i would be pressured to work, i quit.
5. i quit because i'd rather lose a lousy job than lose my integrity. i do not apologise when i am not at wrong.
6. i dont want to personally deal with cheeboon. im just a single casual labour. i think i have built up good relations with higher ranking banquet managers than him. they know me and if they know about this, they probably wont give him an easy time. thats what i want.


but my only regret is that i couldnt make life any tougher for that fucking mechanic.
daymn, now that im out of the hotel, im pretty much powerless. and cheeboon is infamous for tearing up the pay vouchers of staff who step on his toes. so i got some colleauges to help keep them for me.

phew that let off some steam. its fucking hazy here. just now at boon lay interchange couldnt even seen the bus service numbers properly due to the haze. bloody irresponsible indo farmers. the worst hit are people with asthma or sinus. i have both, so thanks very much for the laboured breathing,throat irritation and the stuffy nose.

today is the chinese mid-autumn festival. a day where my fellow yellow-skinned people sit around at night eating cylindrical pieces of dough filled with sweet beanpaste and stare at the moon trying to figure out which few craters form chang er's tits or a bunny's asshole. young kids run around carrying paper structures with lit candles inside them which often catch fire and singe their chubby lil fingers. the slightly older kids set fire to almost anything combustible they can get their hands on. yep thats the mid-autumn festival for you.


i saw the moon and it was fricking blood-red. guess chang er had her period and couldnt make it back to earth in time to get a tampon or two. guess the bunny's tail wasn't all that absorbent.



what the fuck am i talking about?

was flipping through a coupla photo albums left on the coffee table when i found this photo. weird enough it had come to mind a few days back but i didnt really set to looking for it. instead, it found me.


no prizes for guessing who the two beauties are. ahma on the left, grandma on the right! forgot when it was taken. its probably got to be my favoritest photo in the world, containing the two women i care for the most in the world!!


its my msn display pic and wallpaper. gonna load it onto friendster in a bit. heh


so there you have it: the two cutest, most caring, BESTEST grannies that ANYONE COULD EVER WISH FOR!

its been some time.


past few days have been spent working and recovering from work. weiqiang is one lucky fuck. yingying bought him a phone for his birthday.

didnt go to church again today. havent been going since God-knows-when (ironic i know).


i know i am not exactly being a particularly bright shining light. but look at it this way.


my mother threw me out on grounds of religion. granted, she is a demented religious fanatic, but then again, it was because of religion.


that might have been seen as a huge problem to me. but i didnt see it that way. i still clung on to the promise that everything works out well in the end for children of God. and i believe i am leading a much more normal life than when i was living under the same roof as that overbearing bitch.


in terms of living, i am in no position to complain. grandma feeds me so well, those around me keep reminding me about the rate at which i am inflating. i can do almost anything i want at home. sometimes i do get into trouble, but it isnt all unreasonable and i dont think i will ever shout back at anyone at home.


but then again, no man is an island. and everytime i think God hands me someone to be there for me, the portion of the bible that says "it is not good for a man to be alone" keeps coming to mind. i think God is just giving me a solution to that portion that is lacking in my life. but everytime he does, he snatches it away brutally.

yes i know, who am i to call God brutal? but i dont give a fuck anymore. thats just the way it is.


lemme give an analogy: its like placing a juicy steak in front of a starving circus lion, only to snatch it away after he only manages to LICK it ONCE. isnt it less cruel to let it starve to death?


putting that steak in front of him and snatching it away doesnt give it the 'hope that there still is food in this world'. it is simply adding insult to its hunger. and what makes it worse is that the steak is then fed to another lion immeadiately. this happens TWICE.


so you tell me: does everything work out well in the end? after the first time, the lion was broken and couldnt perform his circus act well, so he was sold to the zoo. in the zoo, the zoo-keeper dangled a bigger piece of steak. the lion was apprehensive at first, but the steak was simply too inviting, so he couldnt resist the temptation. he thought that everything had already worked out right and this was the happy ending.

he was so goddamn wrong. history repeated itself yet again.


so tell me, how can the lion believe that everything will work out well for him again? he does believe in the existence of steaks. but all he has learnt is that they arent meant for him, and are only used to add insult to hunger. he does believe in the existence of greater powers that move him around, but all he knows is that no matter what environment he is in, a circus or a zoo, it will still be a brutal place where he can only be made use of and made into a public spectacle for people to stare at and pass degrading comments.


he does believe in the existence of greater power. the animal trainer who paid plenty to fly him in from the harsh plains of Africa. but from the way he was treated, how can he still be thankful to that animal trainer? its not as if he was complaining about being hungry. it was something he had learnt to live with despite knowing that he could not live on for long like that. but those two steaks simply reminded him of his need for food and made his existence even more painful than it already was. so how could he continue to be grateful and perform to give his trainer glory?


analogy over. i do believe in the existence of God. i still believe in what he did. i already prayed the sinner's prayer countless times. went to church till it became an obligation. so why have i stopped going to church?


you tell me why.


p.s., if you couldnt understand the analogy, forget it. i am just plain weird, no one can connect with me anyway