hello world.

yes, it's been a while. things have been good. and bad.

when things with her are good, I feel like I'm in heaven. everything just seems so perfect.

but when either of us gets mad, you get a preview of armageddon.

recently, it has been me who triggers off armageddon.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like....I enter some sort of trance. I do everything so calmly and collectedly, it's like...i'm coldblooded, heartless, stone.

It's only when I hear her wailing and sobbing uncontrollably that I snap out of it.

Of course, by then, the damage is irreversible.


I love her. I really really really do. I don't know what i can do to show it, but i don't recall loving anyone quite as much, quite as deeply and quite as wholeheartedly.

I don't recall loving anyone until it hurt this bad.

I know I will never be perfect for her. Yes, what you said is true. If i can leave you once, i can leave you again.


And true enough, I did.


No one can say they know me fully.


I may have said that you are in no position to fuck me over for not knowing you well enough, because you don't know me well enough.




But truth be told; you are the person who knows me best.






It's not about knowing everything that's happened in my entire life. It's about knowing how to make me feel loved, feel like i should....no, make me feel like i MUST forget the whole world, be with you, and just be contented, complete.




but I just don't know why.

why is it that I hurt every single person that I love.

why do i hurt everyone who loves me enough not to hate me?


it's like i'm a porcupine. whenever i try to hold someone close, i stab them with the daggers of bitterness on me.


it's not fair.



it's not fair to you.


it's not fair to me.



i'm sorry. i love you.





i need help.