its been some time.


past few days have been spent working and recovering from work. weiqiang is one lucky fuck. yingying bought him a phone for his birthday.

didnt go to church again today. havent been going since God-knows-when (ironic i know).


i know i am not exactly being a particularly bright shining light. but look at it this way.


my mother threw me out on grounds of religion. granted, she is a demented religious fanatic, but then again, it was because of religion.


that might have been seen as a huge problem to me. but i didnt see it that way. i still clung on to the promise that everything works out well in the end for children of God. and i believe i am leading a much more normal life than when i was living under the same roof as that overbearing bitch.


in terms of living, i am in no position to complain. grandma feeds me so well, those around me keep reminding me about the rate at which i am inflating. i can do almost anything i want at home. sometimes i do get into trouble, but it isnt all unreasonable and i dont think i will ever shout back at anyone at home.


but then again, no man is an island. and everytime i think God hands me someone to be there for me, the portion of the bible that says "it is not good for a man to be alone" keeps coming to mind. i think God is just giving me a solution to that portion that is lacking in my life. but everytime he does, he snatches it away brutally.

yes i know, who am i to call God brutal? but i dont give a fuck anymore. thats just the way it is.


lemme give an analogy: its like placing a juicy steak in front of a starving circus lion, only to snatch it away after he only manages to LICK it ONCE. isnt it less cruel to let it starve to death?


putting that steak in front of him and snatching it away doesnt give it the 'hope that there still is food in this world'. it is simply adding insult to its hunger. and what makes it worse is that the steak is then fed to another lion immeadiately. this happens TWICE.


so you tell me: does everything work out well in the end? after the first time, the lion was broken and couldnt perform his circus act well, so he was sold to the zoo. in the zoo, the zoo-keeper dangled a bigger piece of steak. the lion was apprehensive at first, but the steak was simply too inviting, so he couldnt resist the temptation. he thought that everything had already worked out right and this was the happy ending.

he was so goddamn wrong. history repeated itself yet again.


so tell me, how can the lion believe that everything will work out well for him again? he does believe in the existence of steaks. but all he has learnt is that they arent meant for him, and are only used to add insult to hunger. he does believe in the existence of greater powers that move him around, but all he knows is that no matter what environment he is in, a circus or a zoo, it will still be a brutal place where he can only be made use of and made into a public spectacle for people to stare at and pass degrading comments.


he does believe in the existence of greater power. the animal trainer who paid plenty to fly him in from the harsh plains of Africa. but from the way he was treated, how can he still be thankful to that animal trainer? its not as if he was complaining about being hungry. it was something he had learnt to live with despite knowing that he could not live on for long like that. but those two steaks simply reminded him of his need for food and made his existence even more painful than it already was. so how could he continue to be grateful and perform to give his trainer glory?


analogy over. i do believe in the existence of God. i still believe in what he did. i already prayed the sinner's prayer countless times. went to church till it became an obligation. so why have i stopped going to church?


you tell me why.


p.s., if you couldnt understand the analogy, forget it. i am just plain weird, no one can connect with me anyway