i don't know what are the consequences of me saying this but i think im just gonna say it anyway. i have no idea why im rather pissed either, maybe its just my time of the month.


i used to go around making friends. LOTS OF THEM. i would walk around school and have one in two of anyone smacking my arse or waving at me as they walked past. i thought it was fucking cool to know everyone. i thought the whole world was on my side.


heaven forgive me, i was only a naive sixteen. even when i was seventeen, i tricked myself into believing that i am an extrovert, an outgoing personality with no lack of friends. instead of filling my life with self-discovery, i filled it with people. i derived my identity from the friends i had. not many of them were close, but they were FRIENDS. now, after being kicked out of the house at seventeen, after many events, i have found the power of 'I'. i rediscovered my individuality. i realised that i needn't have people sucking up to me to feel wanted and fufilled.


so hence, having said all these, im really starting to despise those who have many hi-bye 'friends', or should i say AQUAINTANCES and are goddamn proud that they are POPULAR.


i mean like; half of your conversation is 'my friend this', 'my friend that', 'heeheehaha'...


where's the substance within you? are you just about your friends? are you just a part of a bigger group? are you an individual?


and why tell me about your friends by name when i don't even know them?


"J, you know J? HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW J? she's like so popular lah! anyway, shes my friend, i screwed her hot brother yesterday but actually i like her, heeheehee...but anyway.....blahblah...."


-rolls eyes-


are you actually trying to flaunt your friends in front of me? are you so great just cos you know people that i don't?


to me, you can't have many friends and keep them if you don't forsake your individuality and adapt yourself to try and fit in. not just anyone likes everyone's character. not having the balls to be yourself is the most despicable thing you can ever do. just like a chameleon which only knows how to change its color to fit in with the surroundings, you are just an ugly bug-eater underneath all the colors.


i know i have thrown friendships away recently. plenty of them. and to me, any more wouldn't hurt the least bit.


as long as i can stand true to who i am, any price would not be too great.


i stand firm on my beliefs.


why am i doing all this? after my mother kicked me out, i realised that family is not my greatest source of strength and support. after my closest friend turned her back on my, i refused to draw strength from friendship anymore. after she left me, i swore never to draw strength from love ever again.


i sat down and thought it all through. what drove me on to survive on my own for those 2 months out of the house? what kept me going when i was abandoned? what fueled my passion when all love faded?




no, not booze, though it did help a fair bit



my ANGER.


yes i have realised that anger is my greatest source of strength.


anger, stubborness and the will to prove everyone else wrong about me.


willpower, that can take one far.







oh yeah, and one more thing: if you aren't that great at something, please don't flaunt it. it gets fucking annoying.



really changed so much over the past few years.

turning eighteen in twenty days.

what more lies in wait to ambush me?






yeahyeah i know im just another arrogant swine.


so just ignore me.

after all, you do it all the time.